LIGHTBULB. :-)

I just had an epiphany in my car :)

I feel as if i understand the world alot better now.

I enjoy how God uses everything to speak to us. In his own subtle way.

The past couple days I have been feeling lost. I think everyone feels lost sometimes. Just because God is in my life doesnt mean I am not going to have moments of... what the crap am i doing or where am i supposed to be kinda feelings.

When i feel this way.. alone and not sure which way i am headed i love that no matter what God is that big comfy giant pillow i can fall back onto. He is always there to catch me. Even when i am being selfish. He still wants me. Its beautiful.

I feel as if i started over this summer. In life. At the end of the school year i would have done anything to be graduating and moving on. But God had other plans for me. In so many ways i opened a new chapter in the book of AMBER. i have learned so much about myself and people this summer. Its unreal. people are very interesting.

I used to plan everything i did ahead of time. I was super in control of what happened in my day and who i was with. That thought process got totally wrecked this summer and replaced with a new one.. a better one :) One that has taught me that welll somtimes i just cant be in control!

I love that i never know exactly what i am doing in an evening or if i think i know but somehow it never EVER works out as i imagined.

Four months ago i was a different person. The truth is a week ago i was probably a different person. As people we are always changing growing up. I grew up alot this summer. i Dont want to bash liberty but its a hard place to grow because everyone sees you the way they have seen you your whole life. Its not anyones fault its just how things are i think when you are so close with a small group of people for so long. I love those people and i love the influence we had in eachothers lives. i smile about the fun times we had together. i miss seeing them everyday and i will miss that this next year when i am at richland.

Trust in God is what i need to hold on to. He has led me the way i am going currently for a reason and if i am holding on to him i know he wont let me fall. He will use each moment for his glory.He will take the steps i have taken and make them worth something. Because he is God and He gives my life meaning. Even at times that i feel alone and with out meaning. God whispers into my heart that i am important in his plan.

I think i get how people feel now. I understand what it feels like to be in a big group of people some who are your close friends and just feel alone. I wonder if most people feel that way. We as people are always trying to fill ourselves up with something. For me its been friends... other people. Like some people who sit at home all day and play video games i have always considered odd but the truth they are doing the same thing as me just using video games to attempt to fill them up and satisfy that deepness in our souls. But it never ends up being enough. No matter how much i think people are gonna fill that whole its not enough... ever.

I realize the need for God. That seems kinda dumb especially for me to say. I have been the faithful christian kid for so long and believing in a REAL very real relationship with God but its like now i get why i have been that way. Why i have needed God. Having God in my heart isnt just another attempt to fill my inner deep emptiness up but it is THE ONE THING THAT ACTUALLY CAN FULFILL MY HEARTS DESIRE.

Despite everything i have been preached at about or told i understand now that God is truly the one who holds the heart and soul and mind and with him you cant fail. Well you can still fail at life and other things but when you chooose God its not going to come up empty. Ever. and thats a nice realization to put your hope into. A never failing unconditional loving GOd what could be better.

My problem is i am selfish. Its true. I have slowly been realizing all that i just said but i have been selfish and not wanting God to take it. In worship i keep distracting myself of thoughts about my friends, work, emotions and life . I think i am fearful that if i give in and let God just take all of me that i will lose out on hanging out with people or ill become a hermit or something. I dont wantt to be a hermit. i dont think i could handle it. i like people to much. I still want to be in control of some things. yah know.

Letting God have control of my life would mean i have to let him take the drivers seat and i have to be the ex pilot. :)

I know he will do a better job. But i like how when i am in control of my life and great things happen i feel so good about myself like i accomplished something cool. God is still greater. He puts me where i am supposed to be and when i realize God is working i am always happy. I believe its time to turn over all that i am holding onto to God. He is great and wont fail. He cant he is freaking GOD! hah i love it.

Philippians 4:6-7
"Dont worry about anything; instead pray about everything, tell God what you need, and thank him for what he had done. Then you will experience God's peace which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live as Christ Jesus."

FACT: I worry a great deal
about life, the future, people and stuff i cant control.

Its currently tuesday morning and i have nothing to do all day until 4:30 when i work.Its unusual for me but feels nice :)

Summer has been fantastic. This past weekend was great the week before that was great but my monday isnt really worth mentioning except for the fact that it was my step fathers 50th birthday and i had a nice time enjoying it! Even if the waiter did drop a fork down my back.

Last week monday through friday i was at elementary camp being a CAMP COUNSELOR! It was insane fun and something that just comes natural. God totally planned for me to be there. I have never laughed so hard in my life. This one little girl named Gabriel like the angel who was 8 but the smallest kid at camp. Had a chicago accent and a lisp FUNNIEST thing of my life. I zipped her pants up for her one day cuz apparently she was not capable.

Also one night for the carnival i dressed up like spiderman (thanks to tyler Garland for letting me borrow the costume!) that night i ran around like crazy for a couple hours. I have always dreamed of being spiderman. Talk about a dream come true lol.

During camp on thursday my mom picked me up and drove me to spokane for my doctors appt. I have to get hip surgery on August 13 but the recovery time is only a month! so the plan is to bike with ralphy at the beginning of xc season then i should be able to run middle of SEPTEMBER yay! lol

Friday afternoon i arrived home from camp dead tired. Even after sleeping thru veggie tales on the bus i was beat.

But like in most situations i found sleeping unnecessary so i showered and Dani and Amy came over.
We then proceeded to get tacos. It was was a nice friday night joy :) and everytime i go to camp i come home craving tacos... its strange hahahah.

We didnt really have anything planned for the evening ahead but during our conversation at tbell it came up that none of us had seen eclipse even though we have all three read all the books lol.

So we went to the theatre at 730 and decided to go to the 730 showing!

Can i just say.... i now hate twilight. All those wasted hours reading it. and time watching the movies. i really just dont like twilight now. The movie made me depressed actually and it just sucked.

With 4 seconds left in the movie casey called me but i decided it would be rude to ruin the last few precious seconds of that great movie for others. After a somewhat confusing conversation with casey about us being at a movie and where he was we decided to head over to dustins.

PROBLEM. walk outside of theatre and my car is like no where to be found. i was convinced someone stole it we ran around for like 8 minutes on a HONDA HUNT! then finally we saw it in the very back hahah i dunno how i couldnt remember where i parked. i am still convinced someone moved it hahah! Once we were inside the car i couldnt get the key to go into the ignition it was strange. I blame twilight for the weirdness i was feeling after i left hahah. Amy started my car and we finally left.

At dustins we just chilled talked about a million crazy fun things we could do then didnt do any of them and then all departed. It was nice :) It was there i learned that Natalie somehow got her license and i then became afraid. jk Nat.hah.

ICE CREAM AT ALBYS then home to fall asleep on my sidewalk cuz i was home before curfew.

Saturday i slept in for what might have been the first time ever this summer lol. It was magical. i enjoyed sleeping. which is unlike me.

BABysitting was my next adventure. 4 elementary school girls and one baby boy :) They decided to put on makeup and have a dance party. I enjoyed it. I had several epiphanies about life while babysitting. But thats a whole nother story lol.

BONFIRE!!! :) at my home. Ehhh prolly like 20 something people. Not any epic stories just hanging out with friends. Liberty and richland there was seperation and i didnt like it. Josh and Gareth began dating hah. and NAT brought me a RAT. star tripping was fun i fell over a guitar case. It was very elegant.

At around midnight only about 5 people were left hah so some of us went over to Ians to SWIM! i took the the rat. i was gonna let it go swimming but i then realized even if it could swim i would prolly lose it due to the fact that ians pool is uhm not exactly clean!

Didnt stay long at ians went to albertsons where i seem to spend my life sitting in the parking lot. Which is ok when your with friends lol. I cleaned to rat cage in the bathroom there and mooched on gareths brownie cookies and arizona tea! Watched ralphy buy chapstick for prolly the fiftieth time in my life lol.

Then Dani spent the night and i believe we had a grand total of 4 hours of sleep MAYBE.

WE got up at 7 picked up gareth went to ians woke up ian and josh then headed to pasco flea market!!! i was very surpised josh sheldon came lol he isnt exactly a morning person and a pessimist. :)

GOOD NEWS! i got a two dollar spiderman backpack!!! and a five dollar spiderman clock! and Ian got a SWEEET cookie monster shirt. Thats what i like to call a success.

Certain boys were getting cranky so we went to my house and i made everyone chocolate chips WAFFLES! then we tickled josh and he giggled alot. I atttempted to feed Nat the rat but ended up just pelting him in the head with an apple slice.

Then Church at bethel with gareth amy and beans in the balcony.

After church gareth and i debated lunch options for sometime and somehow ended up at albertsons searching for some kind of cheese called chavre or something french.

cheeseless but with a bag of 100 grands and some disgusting smoothie drink that looks like blended grass we left albertsons went to his house to grab meat and bread and went to my house and made food so i could clean!

INCEPTION IS THE BEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEEN IN MY ENTIRE FREAKING LIFE hahah. loved it loved it loved it. i was dead tired and had to focus really hard but so worth it.. i was so into it i barely ate popcorn!

My fro yo then kadens to eat fruit and throw pinecones at people.

Then church leaders meeting. at PCs house. it was good i felt convicted about losing my hunger and God told me that i am gonna lose myself if i dont start trying to find him. My prayer is to fall in love with jesus even more. i neeed him.

i was supposed to go home and rest but upon arriving to my home my mother was a bit upset that we still had a rat. so i was directed to dispose of it as soon as possible. The conversation her and i had had earlier that day wasnt exactlythe best she didnt enjoy that i took in the rat so willingly. I tried to explain that it was currently an orphan and has been passed from nat to maggi to aaron to nat to me. but she didnt really care. So i called tyson.
He said he would take the rat and just not tell kadens mom hah and that they were at albertsons if i could bring it to him there.
so i did.
i got in my car and found a fantastically fun group of people just sitting in a circle in the parking lot.
i cleaned the rat cage in the albertsons bathroom for the second night in a row.
i got distracted and stayed at albertsons for 2 hours longer than planned.
all i can say is.
Footie pajamas, glowing bounce ball, lamp and laughter. :0

well that was my weeekend. hah this has been an incredibly long post i could write more but well i wont make you suffer. Go make brownies that more productive then reading about me and such. Writing a blog makes me feel selfish. hah i love you. :)

adios.

FIRST POST AND UHM YAH I HAVE a.d.d.

"Be not afraid of greatness
Some are born great
Some achieve great

and some have greatness thrust upon them"

Im having alot of thoughts and not sure where to begin.

First i wanna thank my bestie Dani who helped change my google language from korean to english. I cldnt have made this blog without that help hahah!

I was just informed that it is currently 101 outside. I am not sure if this is true and i have not felt it for myself due to the fact that i havent been outside since nine this morning. Ive been sleeping since then :)!

This has been the best summer ever... ! This week alone has been pretty flippin fantastic. hah.

Things were kinda crappy at first but things began to look up about wednesday at 11 and things were good before that too getting to see my liberty girlies and watch the randomest movie alive called When in Rome. I had seen most of it once before and i still cant decide to love it or hate it. It seeeems SO strange but the second time i was listening to some of the lines in the movie and i cldnt stop laughing hahah! the best friend is my favorite. If you have seen it you will know what im talking about. I also enjoy that pedro is in it. tehe.

So wednesday nite after hannahs :) i went over to seans house with dani. This was not exactly planned it just kinda happened that we went over there. When we arrived a game of 21 was beginning and dani jumped in i went down by the pool and debated jumping in with gareth and sheldon despite the fact that seans mom would kill us. Our wise choice making skills got the better of us and we decided to go inside and make top ramen. This was a strange experience. Observing two boys attempting to drain water out of a pot.. priceless HAH! it was pretty delicious! The evenings events just escaladed from there.

....

so i realized i have too much a.d.d. and not enough time to finish this hah. i began it saturday at 2 and it is currently sunday at 12:26 p.m. hah! wow. so much has happened since that nite! its been a great week tho! I HAD A FUN NIGHT TONITE SEEING THE SCARY FINLEY GHOST! it was crazy! and i dropped my phone in the water from freaking out and lost all my contacts with my replacement phone so text me ur NUMBER!

goin to be a counselor at elementary camp IN THE MORNING AND IM STOKED :) pray for me!

PEACE OUT

see you all friday :)