Where are my eggs!

Eggs.
Hmmmm God is funny.
I have been lost for awhile.
In wandering, it's been an awkward place for me to be but I think it's been healthyfor me to feel and understand ...life.
Where I am.
Who I really want to be.
Where I want to go.
What I want out of life.
I want so much and I don't want to waste anytime.
This summer has been so much different than last summer
My best friends are different this time around.
I find myself missing those old relationships so much that I completely am oblivious to the amazing best friends I have right now sitting right next to me.
Two of those best friends leave in less than a week.
Not ideal.
I wish I was leaving first. It's not fair.
I've been in so much thought lately.
I love all my friends so much.
Then I realized all my friends don't love me as much as I love them.
Then I got into his ridiculous woe is me mood.
Why doesn't anyone like me and crap like that.
But I'm also aware that's not true. Maybe my close friend base has lessened by he quality of he friends are better than ever and why would I wish for anything else.
If I am supposed to be with who I am with then it will work out.
It always works out.
Coming to richland I wasn't close with many people but God supplied mire than I could believe
Why do I doubt he will do it again or that he could possibly do it better?
Sometimes I don't trust him.
Okay alot I don't trust him.
I'm keeping all my eggs for myself.
It was Cayle that made me realize that he said a simple but profound statement.
"a realationship and being in love are not necessarily the same thing"
BAM
It hit me.
All my life I have preached it's all about a relationship not religion with God.
But even while "being in a relationship" with God I felt like I HAD to I wasn't in love and just wanting to.
When your in love you LOVE talking to that person and you always want to be with them and share ...everything with them.
(I know cuz I got to fall in love this year :)
But I am currently not completely in love with God the one who is all, ya know.
He holds like a bunch of my eggs.
But not all of them.
That's not enough.
Maybe If I gAve him my friend eggs I would stop being so concerned with I am wig and who I want to be with and I would go back to peace.
Peace.
I just want peace.
Who doesn't.
In my mind if you have peace you have ....everything.
But where does peace come from!?
Dur :) the peacemaker.
The only one that can fill me up to overflowing hat I can be so full of love all I need to do is spread it to everyone instead of just take it because I am not full myself.
I long to be full.
Full of God.
Full of peace.
Holding on to nothing of the world.
Letting go of it all :)
Letting go.
How?
Just do it :)
Yah I have to keep reminding myself to let it go. I am where I am right now and it's a beautiful moment.
Look at these crazy wonderful people God let me be friends with.
Yah in 40 days my world will be flipped my security of friends here will be twenty hours away and spread all over the world and I'll have one thing that wont change.
God.
He won't leave me when I move or begin these new adventure.
I need to give him all my eggs now so hat they Are warm and ready for each new adventure he will take me on.
Now and later.
Im done controlling this life of mine.
God it is yours
Have my eggs and do what you will with them:)
I can't wAit to see where we go.

"No day, but today"

These are the days I'll never forget.

Life has been getting crazy lately...

as much as I have been in love with every moment of my life lately

I still get overwhelmed by the amount of stuff happening in my life.

I still have moments of stress.

Thankfully I have beautiful friends that have a common love of glee that can always make me smile and feeel a little more at peace.

I am also thankful that I have a God that knows how to talk to me.

Especially when I need to him.

I was just gonna put a verse but I couldnt God uses every word.

By Your Side Lyrics

Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace

Why are you crying 

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough

To where will you go child

Tell me where will you run

To where will you run

And I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall

In the dead of night

Whenever you call

And please don't fight

These hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side

They swallowed the grave on that night

When I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in

And give you life

I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you

I want you to know

That I, I love you

I'll never let you go

A moment of rest  God's word filling into me like a warm breeeze of sunshine.

I was pulled back to those moments in Australia.

That moment I heard that song and the story that wrecked me.

in the most beautiful way.

on the beach early in the morning

as the sun had just rose and the sound of the water so sooothing.

I lost it.

In God's presence I lost it.

He was talking to me.

I heard him real clear.

 Life could not be better than today.

"NO DAY BUT TODAY"

 I wasn't planning to fall for someone the end of my senior year, but God has used it to keep me in the moments I have right now. These moments of the end of highschool that I will never get back.

I have lots of plans for the future.

BIG PLANS.

That I am stoked about.

BUT

no day but today.

I am not promised tomorrow.

The future will come if and when it does.

Im loving right now.

Im loving the simple nights of wathcing glee in the akers basement.

The simple lunches watching hannah and curls.... haha.

the attempt to make Cayle dinner and he basically tells me how to do it the whole time.

Then adding twice as many chocolate chips to my homemade chocolate chip cookies because that IS the best part.

Sitting in the car until the moment I HAVE to go inside talking about how much we love right now.

I wouldn't trade right now for anything.

I think my last few blogs have been about this, but I think WE SOOO OFten forget...

we get caught up in what we are gonnna do this summer or with the rest of our lives or we get comfortable in the fact that we are leaving all of this behind sooon.

I'm not ready to move on.

I am ready to enjoy right now.

I am excited to do a play with beautiful people that I will probably never act with again in my life.

I am excited to hear all those college stories as my friends have begun coming back from school.

How their lives are moving on and in a year that will be me telling stories of adventure and learning experiences...

everytime I talk about Azusa

:)

I am so excited.

I know ill be stoked when that time comes.

Ill love Californina.

Im sure of it.

But I love the people in my life now.

I will always love them.

Even if states give us more seperation than we would like.

I thank God everyday for the friends I have met just this year that I will have for the rest of my life.

God always knows what he is doing.

I dont doubt

that he IS HOLDING ME.

Holding my life.

right now.

and

forever.

There is no day but today.

Live now :)

Trust and dont let the moments pass you by.

Enjoy :)

 

It starts today.

Wait a minute.

Not everyone thinks the same way I do?

I forget that sometimes...

I forget that everyone is different.

no two people are the same.

and for that I am glad.

The world would be boring.

You know what.

I want to "change the world"

hmmmm....

classic statement.

kinda broad if you ask me. what does that even actually mean?

change the world?

change it into what?

I feel like movie stars or singers change the world

because they introduce new ideas through films or lyrics

that maybe the world would has never thought of before.

but I dont plan to become famous in that way...

I want to change the world.

I want to make a difference

I want to help people

BUT

People who give their lives to helping people.. peace core and such...

they arent famous.

not a household name like justin beiber.

in that sense the world does not know who they are.

LIGHTBULB

maybe thats the point.

Those who choose to be selfless in their life may not be known by the world but they are bettering and helping the world in which they are in.

Maybe they will only ever affect the people they meeet face to face

but they are affecting people

and that matters

People keep talking about what they want to be when they grow up and all that stuff

its kinda the time...

but I just keep thinking the future starts now...

You want to help people with your life?

then start helping people now...

today.

Its not always just about that distance goal,.

you are becoming who your gonna be right now.

 the choices you make today are shaping you for who you will be tomorrow.

God.... where are you?

sometimes...I am unsure.

Sometimes I wonder if your in the religion or the people

the church.

your supposed to be in the church right?

then why are the people in the church coming out unchanged?

why are they still empty inside if its supposed to be the place you find God.

If we find God in the church then we should walk in

find him

leave

having him.

that doesnt seem to  be happening though.

I am seeing people enter,

leave the same.

A world that doesnt need God?

In my mind everyone needs God just maybe they dont know it yet.

IF everyone needs God then how come there is so many HAPPY, SUCCESSFUL people out there doing just fine?

At what point do you STEP in and make them need you?

growing up in the church

and truly living in the real world have

been messing with my head.

Donald Miller

"Searching for God knows what"

Don't you love how you can just be thinking about all this stufff

then BAM

God just shows up and answers you.

He does that.

Even when I have been getting relaxed on my church attendance and daily bible reading.

Im imperfect.

surprise!

haha that shouldnt be a surprise no one is perfect.

ANYWAY.

Today first God hits me straight on with what I needed to hear at church

then he takes me to barnes and noble to find D. MILLERS book that I havent read yet

I have adequate amount of time

of course

I sit and start reading

the introduction is every thought im having at the current moment.

HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

Oh God, so funny. :)

does emptiness come?

I feel completely content.

will this feeling last if I stay where I am or if I just stay complacent will I feel it eventually.

I think tonight was my answer

I love where I am.

But

God has called me to more than this.

God has bigger plans

and my future of big plans starts now.

High school is almost over.

This year...

best year of my life.

I am so thankful that I got to live it.

Each day has been important to me and I dont want the last twenty or so days of highschool to fly by with out being significant.

People matter

this city matters

California will come when it is supposed to come and not a second sooner

Ill be ready.

I have time here still

and people to still be with here

a difference to still make here.

Just because we are graduating and moving away

doesnt mean that everything in this world right here ends today.

Today is still happening and it still matters.

We are called to be more than just coasters...

getting through each day.

I preach this stuff

but specifically what can I be doing to make each day count?

tell people you  love them

spend moments with those you care about or those who need to know they are cared about.

Leave a surprise.

Make someone smile.

In a small way

In a BIG way.

Dont let the small stuff get you down.

Let dramma..... conflict...

how much does it really matter anyway?

and HEY be nice to everyone.

CUZ apparently thats not common ;)

it doesnt seem that hard to just be nice to everyone.

What do you have to lose :)

I feel like you would lose more by being mean or gossiping...

so well hmmmm

just dont :)

Its not that hard.

love people.

make a difference in your world right now.

Who are you today?

Ready?

I have heard it said that every good thing must end.

Example A.

A week in Coos Bay with Cayle Turpen and his family...

I swear time stopped.

Time didnt matter anymore.

We ran

We quaded

We went to thrift stores and antique stores

We laid around ate food

Seven days ...

no worries about time.

I decided I hate time.

Today I realized Spring Break is over and well.. that sucks.

One Quarter left of my high school career.

and all I want is to sit around

make better friendships with my friends

and not worry about papers being do or AP tests.

I want to bond with some people and not have to do a buttload of scholarships.

But then when I do hang out with people I dont use it as I should.

instead I worry about... the little time we have left.

If I am invited.

If switching schools my senior year screwed me over in the friendship department.

I am freakin lucky that God is faithful.

Id be lost without him.

He always comes through when I feel like life can start to be crashing a bit..

or alot.

These next Seven weeks..

are going to fly but when I think about this moment its moving so slow.

and I keep getting small feelings of

I CANT WAIT TO BE IN COLLEGE.

Then I think about friends

and Cayle..

and the fun times here.

I am not reeady to leave.

But Im also stoked...

this senior stuff is some tricky emotions ;)

How can you be dreadfully sick of high school but not want to let it go for a single moment all at the same time?

Gosh Darn it.

Tonight I went to

Younglife.

I love Younglife.

A bunch of my favorite people all gathered together.

But sometimes I leave feeling so empty.

Why?

Because I go with this expectation to feel better due to teh people that are there.

when I go in with those thoughts I come out short.

I often come out of it feeling like... wow... I guess people dont care about me.

BUT

honestly its all about perspective.

If I go in thinking I am gonna be excited about seeing my friends no matter what comes my way.

and go in ready to show them how much I care about them

then I cant be dissapointed.

My perspective is off sometimes.

We all have moments of being selfish and wanting to be the one that is loved or the one that everyone is talking about in good ways.

Or the one that gets all the hugs.

sometimes we want that and dont get it.

sometimes we neeed to give it.

To those who never get it.

I sometimes get all sorry for myself feeling then realize I AM DEFINITELY not the only persons who feels that way.

Welcome to a solid percentage of our highschool population.

Why do we fricken go to other things... drinking, drugs, sex?

because it connects us to someone or something

or a feeling of being at peace.

peace like that doesnt last long

does it?

I keeep feeling like what should I grab on to???

hmmmmm

Amber.

wake up!

and step on something solid.

God.

Alright

I am not gonna lie.

I struggle.

I struggle with putting life in front of God.

EVERYONE who longs to be closer with God uses the excuse im too busy

truth is

Im busy.

WHERE IS GOD?

uhm everywhere.

so its pointless to blame my lack of talking to him on business..

Cause He was there when I was running or spacing off in class...

I had ample opportunity to talk to him then

but instead I chose to let my mind wander to things that seemed more important

worries of the world.

WHICH

HEY

wont matter to much in the end...

or in like  a day.

Im sorry God.

Be first in my head.

No matter whats going on in life

I know you are stable and

will always be there

guiding me.

Your plan wins.

win.

You wont let these next two months be a waste.

I want them to be the best two months I could possibly have!

Let me spill out some TRUE PEACEFUL FATHERLY love on some people who neeed it.

I know I need more.

Im sure others do tooo.

I find myself not being thankful for the moments of pure joy and instead reveling in the moments of gosh .... dang it.

I want my life to be.

LOVE. JOY. PEACE.

no regrets.

stress.

words.

work.

lines.

running.

Time running out.

...

only months left.

so little time remains to live the life I still feel like I just started.

A year ago..

I would have never imagined.

A year ago.

My life was completely different.

Then I chose to change it all.

I dont regret.

I miss.

But I dont regret a single thing.

The people I have met the places I have gone.

All stream from a few simple decisions..

decisions that Ill spend the rest of my life being thankful I made.

collge.

Months away.

In a few short months

Ill be in a completely new place living a completely new life.

things will be different

feel different

the friendships I have spent this year making wont even be close to me anymore.

were they a waste?

never.

not a single person I met this year is a waste.

we meet people for a reason

everyone has an effect in our life

The people you meeet

effect who you are.

I would not change a thing about my life.

I am today  who I am

because of everything I have chosen and gone through...

days of adventures..

days of people in my life..

days of nothing..

it all served purpose.

It makes me realize that when I become upset that I missed out on something.. why? I obviously wasnt meant to be there.

Should I choose to the thing I will regret missing the most or the thing I KNOW I should choose.

I always struggle with that.

the before decision.

and if ill choose the right one.

I get nervous.

I always end up where I am supposed to. I cherish each memory.

Im not ready to graduate.

But I also cant wait.

Time is flying to fast.

Im not ready to deal with IT WILL BE OVER.

the last time for everything.

No regrets.

:)

I want to jump out of a plane.

I want to backpack through EUROPE.

Im impatient.

I want those things to happen right now.

I want to buy a hippie van.

I want to sleep in my hippie van on the beaches of california.

I want to truly understand and experience freedom.

I want to live IN PEACE.

peace.

I always crave peace.

I want to be satisfied with my life and know each moment was a beautiful one and that each word I spoke influenced and sunshined... a life :)

hah

sunshined its a verb.

I want to be best friends withe veryone haha

well that will never happen

but my mindset of that leaves me unsatisfied constantly haha

I sometimes wish i could pause time.

thats a huge lie.

I ALWAYS wish I could pause time.

IMAGINE

I would be so superior to the human race. If I could even only sleep when pausing time. I would always have energy.

hahah well. that and time travel.

fantasy that i always get stuck on haah.

Oh man.

In less than seven months..

CALIFORNIA.

I dunno if I have fully realized that is happening.

I have almost convinced myself that its not.

That the world will end before I get there or something

But at the same time I CANT WAIT.

Its a mixed emotion.

Haha.

oh Azusa

I think ill like it more than I think.

LIKE OKAY

a year from now..

ill be saying

prolly in this blog thing that I currently have because my lack of new techonologies is worse than you think and once i got something like this down im not so keen on changing it :)

i hope nothing more than facebook comes out.

Ill struggle

anyway

ill be saying

" A YEAR AGO I WOULD HAVE NEVER IMAGINED LIFE WOULD BE LIKE THIS..."

I can pretty much predict that to the exact words.

If I know myself well enough to know alot will happen and I cant wait.

I really enjoy change...

minus technological changes.

I would rather not have technology and be writing this on paper hah.

but well im not which could make me a hypocrite but ohhh welllll.

I have started to embrace change.

I have no worry for when things dont go how I planned them in my head.

I realize how RARELY things go the way I planned them in my head and when I decide not to worry it all goes better anyway..

surprises are the best :)))))

hahah welll my second rant for the night.

In themood.

DO WHAT YOU LOVE

LIVE :)

My Prayer.

This, this

why do I keep choosing this.

Hypocritical.

FALLING :).

and confused.

If I was supposed to be going up

where am I going now?

down?

Is it possible to stand still?

Is it possible to hit pause on God?

I never thought so.

But then I sit in church and He comes full on right back to me.

I dont have to beg.

I just have to bring myself forward to hear.

to receive.

He is sooo ready to give.

I know that.

Then why is it so hard for me to put myself in the receiving moood? its not hard.

Prayer?

worship.

a single moment.

I never want to lose who I am or what I am fighting for.

YOU wait.

I distract myself.

Perfect in every way...

every way.

This wouldnt just come along for no reason.

How could I have chosen different?

How could I choose different now?

I DONT WISH TOO.

its the one thing I wouldnt give up for you.

I would give you everything but this...

hypocritical.

I continuely say I would give up everything to follow God.

I would leave.

I would get rid of it all.

I am confident that I would..

Except for this...

this one thing.

God....

why?

why now?

You should have waited.

This timing is perfect but weird..

it all happens for a reason..

I know.

So why are you closing other doors?

I can see the ones you have opened..

thank you.

You always come through in funny surprising ways.

Let me talk about you.

Let me not be afraid.

Let me share.

Give my words and heart purpose in its steps in and out of this.

please God dont let distractions prevail to lead me away but to encourage me into your kingdom bringing others I care about with me.

You are solid.

You wont move.

I can see myself with you.

just not at this moment.

why?

why.. does it leave? the high...

the feeling the passion the push for you and your glory constantly in my life.

I am never satisfied.

never do I feeel like its enough

Moments of perfection are followed with moments of realizing I missed out..

thats stupid.

why cant I just be at peace with every moment that exists in my life.

obviously I cant change them

Obviously I cant go back

wishing backwards doesnt benefit anyone.

Be glad for where you were and where you are.

What if its not where I am supposed to be.

what if I end up regretting everything?

I wont :)

regretting is silly.

You learn

always learning

some things that needed to be learned take longer than others..

haha so its alright.

we are all learning

all going through something

my life feels perfect.

yet im not content with my lack of care for people at the current moment.

I want to care more.

I want my hands to be your hands GOD hands of love reaching out to the world :)))

I want to touch the world.

starting now.

Why cant I??? please.

Thanks for you obvious answers.

I need them.

If it werent for you.. being so obvious... I would begin to question.

I think we should question.

My current questioning of my GOD brought me to even deeper realizations of his truth.

HAHA  OH GoD. how you are always there. you never give up...

Even when I am being a rebellious child.

rebellion as in not wanting to listen to what you are CLEARLY telling me to do.

haha thanksss for the way you put it all together.

always.

thanks for the feeling in my stomach.

thanks for checking up on me like a father.

You are my standard.

I wouldnt have it anyother way.

as usual.

I beg for peace.

YOUR PEACE :)

is all I want.

its all I need.

You are everything.

Show love?

"But I cannot count on all the signs

You’ve passed away as mere coincidence

And im running out of ways to break through

Like a lonely lover, Waiting by the ocean

Ill never give up on you"

-Madly in love with you

by Sean McConnell

You know how when something keeps up in your life.. you notice.. and realize there may be a reason for it.

A motif in your life if you will.

Well my recent motif..

has been

LOVE.

Love hmmm...

that may seem simple.

love.

love.

love.

love.

The word is overused and SO common in our lives.

I tell alot of people I love them in a day.

I say I love alot of different foods.

we love our friends.

we love our family.

what about our enemies?

Do we love them.

Why is it so hard to LOVE the kid who sits by himself at lunch and seeems socially awkward.

I always say I love people.

But am I really loving the people that NEED to be loved.

NO.

Im loving the people that love me.

Its not enough..

Its not all that God is asking us to do.

"You have heard the law says, "Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But i say love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you. In that way you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives His sunlight to both the evil and the good"

-Jesus (Matt 5:43-45)

Does it seem fair that those of us who experience love and joy are hoarding it for ourselves?

its not.

Im happy. Life is going really good right now.

good.

But what am I doing to show others love to let others know they matter?

You say hi to your friends in the hall.. what about the kid with the greasy hair who only frowns and stares at the floor....

God loves them.

....

So I should too.

I realized that when things get really good in my life I begin to become complacent with everything and not worry about other people as much.

The phrase God KEEEEEPS on playing over in my head is

SHOW LOVE.

Show love.

hmmm..

simple enough right?

Its kinda ridiculous that the greatest commandment is actually the hardest.

To love people is to be selflesss.

Its hard to go out of your way to do something for someone..

especially when its someone your maybe not very fond of.

I can be pretty selfish..

I wanna do what I wanna do on a friday night.

Maybe God has.. other plans.. maybe I neeed to open up my ears and listen.

When have you followed God and not been satisfied...

Even when I dont want to do something he is asking me and I roll my eyes and do it anyway... im always glad I did.

His plan is ALWAYs better.

no doubt.

I ask God for peace.

WELL SHOW MY PEOPLE LOVE

he responds.

 in verse 46 same chapter it says "If you are kind to only your friends how are you different from anyone else?"

Dont you wanna live a life that means more?

I want to live a BEAUTIFUL life.

I long to show love to everyone around me..

WHERE IS THE LOVE? :)

refer back to the black eyed peas song.

and trevor hall has a Where is the love song I also highly recommend.

The  lyrics at the beginning of my blog are Gods words to us.

He will never give up on us.

So giving up a friday night to help the homeless...

God is there.

God is with you.

wherever you go.

If he is with you why not take him to places he is needed the most.

Talk to the people that are missing that light in their life.

I feel like I am always preaching this..

LOVE PEOPLE
LOVE PEOPLE
LOVE PEOPLE

and I myself am stil struggling with it.

I wish I could accept everyone the way they are.. like exactly the way the are. see them the way God sees them.

He sees them as beautiful.

They are beautiful.

why are we so judgemental?

why does are opinion even matter...

it doesnt.

So give up talking bad and start giving words of love and joy.

Not just to your friends that already like you but to maybe the girl your afraid of or the shy kid.

Uhm

If we all just stoppped.

And starting loving everyone the way God loves them.

Imagine that world.

imagine.

Now I feeel like Im preaching world peace.

But seriously YOUR world will be overflowing with love and joy and peace when you start

SHOWING LOVE to others.

No doubt.

Ive heard it said that therapist tell depressed people to do something nice for someone else.

I believe in that fully.

So this is my challenge for myself... to love others selflessly

to show love to people that maybe I would never imagine talking too.

and to Let God do what he will with that :)

He will surprise me.

He always does.

He never gives up on me.

I have so  much peace in Him.

I have no reason to fear.

I will not be afraid

to

SHOW LOVE.

Beautiful honesty.

"You will soon find contentment"

said my fortune cookie today.

Well if soon was supposed to be tonight that did NOT happen.

Ever beeen in a room with people you love more than life and yet you feeeel more alone than ever?

There is something about everyone trying to get love that leaves me feeeeling lonely and i dont like it.

Why cant we all just give love away even if we are not receiving it.

Hearing myself think these thoughts seems so stupid because so many people genuinely told me they loved me tonight.

Yet i cant accept it.

I cant feeel it.

Right now my insides feeel empty

and i realize

no human love will fill that up

despite how desperately i look

and trust me i have beeeen looking way to desperately.

I love people.

I dont believe there is anything wrong with that.

As I determined this weeeek hah which i already knew is i love people more than i love school.

I need to care about school though.

yah i graduate in freaking four months but schooool still neeeds to be goood and i neeed to get good grades and all that jazz.

Maybe this feeeling in me right now and the reason that my ankle hurts is punishment.

Am I allowed to think that?

My one wrong decision and now I am PAYING for it.

Paying for it alot.

I have never been able to relate to depressed people to well.

My life is an overflow of joy.

but obviously I have my moments.

and I feeel like this is what depressed people feeel like but all the time.

like your empty inside and no matter how hard you try it doesnt change so you become weak and give up.

WELL.

My name is Amber Marie Buchanan

and I refuse to accept the fact that I feeel lonely.

Cuz the truth is I am not alone.

I am never alone.

I am SOOOO very aware that God is there.

Right now, always

even when I made a crappy decision.

I generally dont consider myself a regretful person.

But I do feel dumb that God was there and he was not pleased.

Why is it SOOO hard to please God?

Some people dont even get to the point of realizing its totally worth it.

Fact. Its totally worth it.

But why is everyday a struggle to remain close to him.

THIS HAS TO BE THE RIGHT THING IF ITS SO FREAKING HARD!

I feeel like if being on fire for God was easy then more people would be.

reality is... very few truly are.

and then there is those who are on fire for him... until that high wares offf.

I refuse.

I refuse to call it a camp high.

I want to call it my life.

I want to have peace if every moment.

I want to have open ears to hear the people crying out to God and I want so badly to be his arms and feeet.

I want to be like Jesus.

There is nothing better

I honestly dont neeeed anything else in this world.

As much as I love my friends and family and running

All I neeed is God.

To let go of everything and let it fall in Gods hands..  harder than you could imagine.

But when God takes it.

You stop worrying about what those girls think when you dont do your hair or wear attractive attire

you stop thinking only about that crazy cute guy that would be on your mind... alot.

you stop worrying if people love you and you start worrying that people feeelloved. and you find ways to show them love.

Thats when you truly feeel contentment.

We neeed to get rid of ourselves.

Cuz we are just gonna lose it anyway.

I neeed to..

stop.

Give it all to God.

Let go.

Drop it at his feeet.

and not try to work for my own gain.

not try to build relationships for my own gain

but to be freee to live as he leads me in each moment.

I realize this may not even make sense to you as you read it,

Im sorrrry but welcome to my brain.

I basically just laid my heart out for you to read.

Hope God can use it to speak to you.

Being genuine just now helped me understand.

I also jumped into my word.

which I highly recomment ifyou feeeling lonely.

Dont go to people or your computer or tv

GO TO GOD.

Truth is he is all you neeeed and you will never realize it if the world still defines you.

You will never be at complete peace if whats going on in the world is all you care about

When you give it all to him.

There cares that are supposed to be there will be.

You are a beautiful person.

Dont ever give up.

God taught me that tonght

I can never give up because in him all things are beautiful.

I have faith

He knows what He is doing.

I know that to be totally beautiflly honest in front of the world can be used for his glory.

God.

Its yours.

all of it.

:)

I knew it.

Fish Garnish

classic fish garnish... ahh the humanity.

Peace.

"How does a person stop caring about the opinions of others enough to enjoy them without manipulating them? How does a person stop caring about money to pay rent, or about where his food will come from or whether or not he has a good retirement package... life may be much easier than the rest of us belive it is, that most of the things we worry about are not worth worrying about, that a low bank account or unfashionable clothes won't give you cancer... I tend to think life is about security. I worry about things to much, I worry about whether or not my ideas are right, I worry about whether or not people like me, I worry about whether or not I am going to get married... There doesnt seem to be any science in saying any of this stuff matters at all. But it feels like it matters, whatever it is; it feels like we are supposed to be panicking about things."

-Donald Miller

in Through Painted Deserts

I love Donald Miller.

My mother and I once attempted to stalk him at Imago Dai his church in Portland. We didnt have any luck, but loved the church :)

This exact excerpt's thoughts have been on my mind.

Will we ever stop needing to feel accepted?

I wonder if it is just human nature to have the need to feel accepted. Then I read in Genesis today how we are made in God's image and we are like him. God doesn't have a neeed to be accepted by anyone. He wants to be accepted in our hearts, but if none of his people accept him.. He is still God.

If no one accepts me would I still be Amber.

Would I change who I am to be accepted by others.

Why do I always want to feeel loved?

When I know I can always count on God to love me... but why is that not enough. Why does human approval seem so significant to supply my happiness.

My word for the year of 2011 is PEACE.

With this year has come FREEEDOM.

Freedom I have never expierenced.

To not care what people think..

Each day I have become more and more free... its beautiful I never wish to be under burdens again.
I desire to remain "flufffy" with nothing weighing on me.
God has my burdens and he forgives and forgets.. letting me move on with life and be worry free.

It is very hard to be worry free.

I worrry alot.

I always think of life as "I cant lose the moment I have now"... making me unsatisfied.
I want peace in my life.
To know that I am where I am each moment with purpose and reason and I want to have peace in that moment. I long to get joy out of each circumstance.. good or bad.

God has blessed me with so much and I so often am still unsatisfied.

I still think to myself why dont people like me?

Why do my friends not want to hang out with me?

When all of that is really just lies.. in my head of insecurity.

I think everyone thinks that every once in a while... and if you dont. Well done.

:)

I long to just no longer worry.
I know in our world it is almost looked down on not to worry...

Its true.. I am a senior and I am supposed to be worrying about scholarships and college and classes.

I think there is something to be said about diligence and trying your best

I believe we can do that with all this unnecessary worry.

The weight is heavy.

एंड लव इ ऍम फ्रिच्किन एइघ्तीन

Ah my computer just randomly translate all my words to a foreign language..
how does that happen?
ANYWAY
like I was saying..I want to live life with peace.
Worry free.
To cast all my cares on God.
To actually cast my cares on God and know He will take care of it.
If you have read the book I Quoted from at the beginning of this blog then you know who Paul is.
To be honest I fell in love with him hahah.
Like I wish to be like him.
He lives the peace I long for. In the book him and Donald are traveling across the country in a hippie van.. I have been planning to do that!!!
and Paul just doesnt worry.
He is definitly to old for me ahah so I have no such hope there, but I do long to be like him.
I wish to come to the point of peace that I could be sitting at home for days and it would be okay. Right now that is like not even a possible thought in my head. I have this need to always be doing something and talking with someone.
Which I dont belive is entirely bad but it leaves me unsettles when I am not doing something. I want to be able to do nothing.. and so God can guide me to do what He wants me to do. and I will go willingly :)
I wish to not be so connected to my phone.
I rely to much on it to make me feeel happy.
I feeel like typical teenager that I am always texting and checking my phone. I dont like it.
I want to be happy with where I am each moment. Happy with who I am with at the moment and even if I am just chillin alone to be satisfied with life and trust God in all circumstances.
This 2011 year is going to be goood.
Last year was the best year of my life and I have faith this year could only be better :)
Thank you everyone who was in my life last year.
I thank God for you and  I love you.
I hope that you find peace and freedom in your life this year. :)
I know thats what I am desiring and asking God for.
Have a great first day of the year.

Peace. :)