LIGHTBULB. :-)

I just had an epiphany in my car :)

I feel as if i understand the world alot better now.

I enjoy how God uses everything to speak to us. In his own subtle way.

The past couple days I have been feeling lost. I think everyone feels lost sometimes. Just because God is in my life doesnt mean I am not going to have moments of... what the crap am i doing or where am i supposed to be kinda feelings.

When i feel this way.. alone and not sure which way i am headed i love that no matter what God is that big comfy giant pillow i can fall back onto. He is always there to catch me. Even when i am being selfish. He still wants me. Its beautiful.

I feel as if i started over this summer. In life. At the end of the school year i would have done anything to be graduating and moving on. But God had other plans for me. In so many ways i opened a new chapter in the book of AMBER. i have learned so much about myself and people this summer. Its unreal. people are very interesting.

I used to plan everything i did ahead of time. I was super in control of what happened in my day and who i was with. That thought process got totally wrecked this summer and replaced with a new one.. a better one :) One that has taught me that welll somtimes i just cant be in control!

I love that i never know exactly what i am doing in an evening or if i think i know but somehow it never EVER works out as i imagined.

Four months ago i was a different person. The truth is a week ago i was probably a different person. As people we are always changing growing up. I grew up alot this summer. i Dont want to bash liberty but its a hard place to grow because everyone sees you the way they have seen you your whole life. Its not anyones fault its just how things are i think when you are so close with a small group of people for so long. I love those people and i love the influence we had in eachothers lives. i smile about the fun times we had together. i miss seeing them everyday and i will miss that this next year when i am at richland.

Trust in God is what i need to hold on to. He has led me the way i am going currently for a reason and if i am holding on to him i know he wont let me fall. He will use each moment for his glory.He will take the steps i have taken and make them worth something. Because he is God and He gives my life meaning. Even at times that i feel alone and with out meaning. God whispers into my heart that i am important in his plan.

I think i get how people feel now. I understand what it feels like to be in a big group of people some who are your close friends and just feel alone. I wonder if most people feel that way. We as people are always trying to fill ourselves up with something. For me its been friends... other people. Like some people who sit at home all day and play video games i have always considered odd but the truth they are doing the same thing as me just using video games to attempt to fill them up and satisfy that deepness in our souls. But it never ends up being enough. No matter how much i think people are gonna fill that whole its not enough... ever.

I realize the need for God. That seems kinda dumb especially for me to say. I have been the faithful christian kid for so long and believing in a REAL very real relationship with God but its like now i get why i have been that way. Why i have needed God. Having God in my heart isnt just another attempt to fill my inner deep emptiness up but it is THE ONE THING THAT ACTUALLY CAN FULFILL MY HEARTS DESIRE.

Despite everything i have been preached at about or told i understand now that God is truly the one who holds the heart and soul and mind and with him you cant fail. Well you can still fail at life and other things but when you chooose God its not going to come up empty. Ever. and thats a nice realization to put your hope into. A never failing unconditional loving GOd what could be better.

My problem is i am selfish. Its true. I have slowly been realizing all that i just said but i have been selfish and not wanting God to take it. In worship i keep distracting myself of thoughts about my friends, work, emotions and life . I think i am fearful that if i give in and let God just take all of me that i will lose out on hanging out with people or ill become a hermit or something. I dont wantt to be a hermit. i dont think i could handle it. i like people to much. I still want to be in control of some things. yah know.

Letting God have control of my life would mean i have to let him take the drivers seat and i have to be the ex pilot. :)

I know he will do a better job. But i like how when i am in control of my life and great things happen i feel so good about myself like i accomplished something cool. God is still greater. He puts me where i am supposed to be and when i realize God is working i am always happy. I believe its time to turn over all that i am holding onto to God. He is great and wont fail. He cant he is freaking GOD! hah i love it.