Beautiful honesty.

"You will soon find contentment"

said my fortune cookie today.

Well if soon was supposed to be tonight that did NOT happen.

Ever beeen in a room with people you love more than life and yet you feeeel more alone than ever?

There is something about everyone trying to get love that leaves me feeeeling lonely and i dont like it.

Why cant we all just give love away even if we are not receiving it.

Hearing myself think these thoughts seems so stupid because so many people genuinely told me they loved me tonight.

Yet i cant accept it.

I cant feeel it.

Right now my insides feeel empty

and i realize

no human love will fill that up

despite how desperately i look

and trust me i have beeeen looking way to desperately.

I love people.

I dont believe there is anything wrong with that.

As I determined this weeeek hah which i already knew is i love people more than i love school.

I need to care about school though.

yah i graduate in freaking four months but schooool still neeeds to be goood and i neeed to get good grades and all that jazz.

Maybe this feeeling in me right now and the reason that my ankle hurts is punishment.

Am I allowed to think that?

My one wrong decision and now I am PAYING for it.

Paying for it alot.

I have never been able to relate to depressed people to well.

My life is an overflow of joy.

but obviously I have my moments.

and I feeel like this is what depressed people feeel like but all the time.

like your empty inside and no matter how hard you try it doesnt change so you become weak and give up.

WELL.

My name is Amber Marie Buchanan

and I refuse to accept the fact that I feeel lonely.

Cuz the truth is I am not alone.

I am never alone.

I am SOOOO very aware that God is there.

Right now, always

even when I made a crappy decision.

I generally dont consider myself a regretful person.

But I do feel dumb that God was there and he was not pleased.

Why is it SOOO hard to please God?

Some people dont even get to the point of realizing its totally worth it.

Fact. Its totally worth it.

But why is everyday a struggle to remain close to him.

THIS HAS TO BE THE RIGHT THING IF ITS SO FREAKING HARD!

I feeel like if being on fire for God was easy then more people would be.

reality is... very few truly are.

and then there is those who are on fire for him... until that high wares offf.

I refuse.

I refuse to call it a camp high.

I want to call it my life.

I want to have peace if every moment.

I want to have open ears to hear the people crying out to God and I want so badly to be his arms and feeet.

I want to be like Jesus.

There is nothing better

I honestly dont neeeed anything else in this world.

As much as I love my friends and family and running

All I neeed is God.

To let go of everything and let it fall in Gods hands..  harder than you could imagine.

But when God takes it.

You stop worrying about what those girls think when you dont do your hair or wear attractive attire

you stop thinking only about that crazy cute guy that would be on your mind... alot.

you stop worrying if people love you and you start worrying that people feeelloved. and you find ways to show them love.

Thats when you truly feeel contentment.

We neeed to get rid of ourselves.

Cuz we are just gonna lose it anyway.

I neeed to..

stop.

Give it all to God.

Let go.

Drop it at his feeet.

and not try to work for my own gain.

not try to build relationships for my own gain

but to be freee to live as he leads me in each moment.

I realize this may not even make sense to you as you read it,

Im sorrrry but welcome to my brain.

I basically just laid my heart out for you to read.

Hope God can use it to speak to you.

Being genuine just now helped me understand.

I also jumped into my word.

which I highly recomment ifyou feeeling lonely.

Dont go to people or your computer or tv

GO TO GOD.

Truth is he is all you neeeed and you will never realize it if the world still defines you.

You will never be at complete peace if whats going on in the world is all you care about

When you give it all to him.

There cares that are supposed to be there will be.

You are a beautiful person.

Dont ever give up.

God taught me that tonght

I can never give up because in him all things are beautiful.

I have faith

He knows what He is doing.

I know that to be totally beautiflly honest in front of the world can be used for his glory.

God.

Its yours.

all of it.

:)